So you like the tea, do you?
I look at her helplessly.
Tea drinker?
No, I signal.
Ahh, coffee!
Drink it black do you?
No, I say as I wrap my lips around the metal pick, I drink it with cream. Why? Are there stains?
Just a little staining in the back, she assures me.
She begins scraping the back of my bottom teeth. Hard.
Some people have more active salivary glands than others. It leaves tougher deposits.
Brush side to side?
Up and down I motion with my hand.
Really? Hmm. Well, that’s good, up and down is best.
It looks like you’ve been flossing everyday.
I smile.
Are you flossing at night when you should?
No, morning.
Mmm hmm.
A long silence as she scrapes and I search for a pattern in the acoustic tiles overhead.
You're right-handed?
OH FOR PETE”S SAKE!!!! You can’t tell that from my teeth!.
The whole demoralizing affair reminded me of my biannual demeaning trips to the Clinique Counter at Macy’s.
Yes, I‘d like a bottle of the Superbalanced foundation in Crème Beige, I say confidently to the cosmetics doctor-girl in the lab coat.
The Superbalanced?
Yes, yes, the Superbalanced, I maintain, closing my lips together, raising my eyebrows, in a yup-yup sort of way. Crème Beige.
Not the Pore Minimizer foundation in Crème Beige?
No, no the Superbalanced. I always get the Superbalanced.
Oooookay. How about daily scrub cream today?
No, just the foundation.
Do you need any of the pore minimizing toner today? Are you good with that?
Yes, fine with that.
How about the eye turnaround cream for under- eye lines and bags. Have enough of that?
Yep, yep, plenty at home.
The lies started flowing like Superbalanced foundation from a 1.65 ounce bottle.
Pore cleanser, then?
Bought it! Love it!
Eye wrinkle defense?
Full bottle at home! That stuff is amazing!
My ever-dimming inner light just needs my card to go through that machine and for you to hand me my tiny bag and let me exit back out through the Starbucks. How long can it take to put a jar in a bag and run a credit card? If I were buying shoes this whole transaction would take ten seconds but the cosmetics encounter seems to crawl as you hold my purchase hostage while you study my face with your reading glasses.
.
Would you like to try our brown spot fade cream with alpha hydroxy peptides?(earnestly)
No, no not today, I mumble, as I pretend to scratch my forehead in a manner that the rest of my hand obstructs any further examination. At this point I have the bag in view and the end is near.
I have your foundation, and I’ve included a coupon for a “Bring Your Skin Back To Life” rescue trio that I think you might enjoy. You have a wonderful day.
And you, I say, as I hurry off to search for my self-esteem that has wandered off into traffic.
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