Goodbye Christmas

Well another Christmas has gone by and with it some of my favorite Christmas traditions.  Like visiting the Christmas display at that double over on

Frebis Avenue

that has the left side of the double with about two thousand lights, a Santa on the roof and baby Jesus in the yard.  (I love the mingling of Santa and Jesus) and the other side of the double has a bare bulb on the front porch.  Literally the left half of the yard is so crammed with wise men and blinking sleighs and big hot-air-filled nutcrackers that falling snow can’t hit the ground and the right half is dead bare.  Maybe a bike in the yard.  Holiday Americana.

            I will miss my cat Chelsea peeing on the tree skirt.  Each year she plans a novel covert mission to urinate on the tree skirt and executes it brilliantly.  I thought this year that I had strewn enough presents around to make it an unappetizing urination station, but she managed to soak a special order book, entitled “The Girl Behind the Song”, which is now entitled, “The Piss on Top of the Girl Behind the Song”. 

            I will throw away that ten dollar JC Penney coupon again this year because I can’t find a JC Penney to shop at.  I know where they are but I am unwilling to drive to one.  (Note to JCP:  I might navigate for a $25. coupon though)

            I will miss the lights on the pathetic tree we always get since I refuse to spend more than $25 for it, you know, because it’s dead.  This year it leans right.  I will pack away the abbreviated Herbie the dentist ornament whose legs broke off the first Christmas I had it.  It goes back to the land of misfit ornaments along with the City Center ornament they gave away to the first 500 patrons on Black Friday 1992.  Downtown shopping.  That was a lasting idea.  And regarding shopping, I will miss the nightly reminders on the news that we are not spending enough money out there in retail land.

            Goodbye (until next Halloween) to the holiday songs whose lyrics I inject the word ‘cock’ into.  There’s the obvious Jingle Bell Rock, but there’s another more annoying that goes like this:

It’s the holiday season

(the holiday season)

And whoop de doo

And hickory dock

And don’t forget now

To hang up your sock,…

What the hell is that song?  Whatever it is it deserves to be fouled since it’s bogus to begin with.  The only true Christmas songs that deserve to be recognized are

1. Judy Garland singing Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (because it’s very depressing)
2. Bing Crosby singing God Rest You Merry Gentleman (very depressing)
3. and Barbara Streisand singing I Wonder as I Wander (you guessed it)

You should have the feel from a good Christmas song that there may or may not be a goose this year, and the boys are off fighting The Big One, and everyone will have to muddle through somehow.

            Ahhh, goodbye to sausage cake until this time next year.  If you don’t know what it is, you should.  Let me just say this, instead of butter, it’s sausage.  Ever creamed sausage with sugar?  Heaven.  I shall miss the wanton consumption of sweets, ales and electricity.  Now as the days get longer and colder, I’ll be fighting with the cats and the boots to get a spot on the furnace.  If I seem more caustic in the days to come, I’m really just cold.  Until April.  Happy Holidays everyone!